I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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