Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
