He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
