You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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