a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
ttyl tear gas
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
