Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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