You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Another day, another engagement, another cat
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
