Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
