i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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