you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
