someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
