I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
