Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize