I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
