Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
