I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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