saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
