Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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