Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
