Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
