Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
