I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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