I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
