i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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