It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
A+ Viking dick
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
