dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
