2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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