I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
