i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
