did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
