Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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