I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
