I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
