I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
