so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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