Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize