she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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