I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
