wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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