Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
