I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
