I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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