Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
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I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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