We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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