Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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