And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
