Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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