there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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