i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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