I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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