her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
