living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
