I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize