dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
