I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
