There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
