Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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