I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Pappa wants mamma naked
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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