We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
