apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
