I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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