Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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